Bismillah.
I woke up this morning thinking that I might as well stay home and continue my revision. Why bother too much on going to this course when the idea of marriage is nothing near, just yet. On a side note, I was actually quite curious of what this course is offering and how exactly they differ from those course we have to take back home. To be honest, I was rather skeptical about going to any marriage course before, since people keep saying that there's too much jokes deliberately made to brighten up the moods than there is for serious discussion or great focus on many other important aspect. (so i heard). To be fair, I believe this is not true for all of the marriage course out there. Kak Su was on her way to my house since we've made a plan to go there together by 8.30 am, so, i can't simply say no. We decided to just grab a cab for none of us are very sure of where exactly is the location of the venue.
Intensive Marriage Course.
As the name suggest, it was intensive. Given that this is my first time attending such program, I don't really have a clue on what to expect. Now that I'm home. I'm literally am brain-drained having to sit and listen to the talks throughout the day. non-stop. Nevertheless, I thought to myself that if I were to spend my hours here today, I should have made it counted. This is my tiniest effort to put together what I basically gain today in words InsyaAllah! (if not all, some jewels)
1. INTRODUCTION OF MARRIAGE
The first part of the course introduce the concept of marriage.
It was very interesting to have a speaker who is also a psychologist , expert in marriage and relationship counselling and psycho-sexual counselling. I was very fond of psychology myself so, having heard some familiar theories and concept is simply reminiscing those A level years of studying them.
He started by a simple statement that says;
'In marriage, things will only get better and better. It's all about working hard, fundamentally in trying to understand each other and acknowledging the ultimate purpose of your marriage-which is, to fulfill the purpose of our existence (as abid and khalifah)'
Marriage as we all know is one of the biggest ibadah. It is an essential framework for you to work together, with your partner, in terms of achieving this goals. And this include, our daily basis worships, character building as a muslim and our self development.
What is the difference between the conceptual marriage and Islamic ones?
'While the mainstream, socially understood concept of marriage is about finding your other half, islamic marriage is all about completing half of your deen.'
To be able to achieve sakinah, mawaddah warahmah in a family institution, it is ideally important to acknowledge that men and women are simple DIFFERENT. We are not the same- in terms of our nature, physical, psychological and capability. Trying to change a woman for what she is won't work and vice versa. Celebrating the difference is one of the key foundation.
and you simply don't stop just there. Men are associated with rationality as women are for emotions. Put some effort in trying to catch up with each other as well. For example, a husband should learn to acquire emotional intelligence in marriage. So that he'll be able to make every decision based on a wider perspective and consideration, rather than just practicality of it.
Marriage is about mutuality, but that does no mean that both individuals are the same.
Behind every successful man, is a woman.
They compliment each other. Aspiring one another. Letting the other half grow even more.
He mentioned about how marriage is actually the closest relationship you can ever have between two people, unlike parent-children or bftj (best friend till jannah) relationship. It is of different affection, closeness and responsibility. You really know what each other really are- and this is very important to take note.
The fact that you have that level of intimacy, has made trust and respect as a golden element in a healthy relationship. There would be a LOT of things that none others but only you know about your spouse. Hence, losing one or both of these qualities will no longer make you garments for one another.
'the boomerang effect'
You are the mirror of one another. If you behave in certain way, those qualities reflect back at you. This is an 'action reaction' mechanism. I was fascinated by a simple analogy given called 'marriage bank account'. you've got debit and credit column. If you do something that add value to you marriage/ to your partner, that's going into your account. When you demand or take something out from your spouse, that is using up your savings. and this two must be balanced. Taking out too much while giving so little will result in overdraft.
and each actions cost differently. For example, fidelity might empty your account that no amount of chocolate/ roses can make up the loss.
Always make sure you do things that levels them up every single time.
' why take when you don't give. Happiness in marriage is often achieved when you expect yourself to give rather than receiving'
When does preparation and training actually start?
It started from childhood, primarily from observing your parents. how they behave to one another. how you are brought up. the 'biah solehah' or the islamic environment of your house. things like that. You don't have to be in the most perfect family to benefit from this, because lessons come from both positive and negative behaviours . If you see something bad in the way you are brought up with, change it. The same goes when you see something good, try to follow their example. Make it your benchmark.
When is the appropriate age to start marriage?
This part receives much attention from the speaker, stressing on and on about the idea of not delaying nikah. He had been dealing with taaruf of sisters and brothers from all over UK, and one of the problem that arises (for the sisters particularly) is the fact that they only initiate taaruf or the process of finding a spouse when they are in their late 20s or early 30s., sometimes more. And yet they still put high emphasize on many high criteria such as wanting a guy of around the same age-not married, single and without children as an example.This problem lies in career driven individuals or academic achiever that they put nikah as their last priority.
Much to the complaints of the brothers on the other hand is that they do not have the financial stability just yet to be able to build a family (one of most wanted criteria for sister in seeking partner) , the speaker goes like this; (while addressing the sisters)
'Should you marry a guy who does not have a financial stability just yet?'
'Yes, absolutely! Provided that he has aspiration, career plans and a clear goal to achieve in his life'
So conclusion, as early as possible. (not subject to personal view)
***
2. THE SUNNAH OF MARRIAGE
Rasulullah pbuh has divided his time to three.
1/3 for himself
1/3 for the general society
1/3 for family/married life
The western had been promoting the life-work balance concept but largely (if not all) failed to exercise it in their life. Instead life is much of a manifestation of materialism, sacrificing family for career and so on.
Rasulullah pbuh is ideally the best example of a husband.
He has children but is also a guardian of other children as well. He treated them a if they are his. (from marrying a married woman).
He never failed to come back home every single day with a smiling face.
One of the act in marriage is to brighten each other's day. And our prophet, despite being a busy man, always help his wife with house chores.
The speaker added, 'never make your son a mummy's boy- in the sense that they expect everything from their mum.(later from his wife). Make him a strong boy who values what people do for him and tries to help along.'
He reminded the audience,
' a wife is not obligated to cook or clean for her husband. Everything she does is actually sadaqa/charity'
Key foundation to marriage according to sunnah
- the foundation of the marriage/ family built must be based on knowledge, ultimately from Al Quran and Sunnah.
-Ar Rahim or mercy. Have compassion and mercy to the bearer of your children, your life long companion, mother of your children and the one who take care of your affairs at home.
-Love. Let love grows by watching out your words, actions and showing your affections.
-Justice. Rasulullah pbuh is never dzalim. recognize each other's right.
when you have injustice, you cannot have mercy.
-Syura. Communication is vital. Exercise active listening.
Listening is not simply making sure your partner made her/his point across.
-Looking good for one another.
***
So that is two of the main topic discussed. i'll find some other time to write the rest insyaAllah.
May it brings benefit to us all, if not now- in the future.
1. INTRODUCTION OF MARRIAGE
The first part of the course introduce the concept of marriage.
It was very interesting to have a speaker who is also a psychologist , expert in marriage and relationship counselling and psycho-sexual counselling. I was very fond of psychology myself so, having heard some familiar theories and concept is simply reminiscing those A level years of studying them.
He started by a simple statement that says;
'In marriage, things will only get better and better. It's all about working hard, fundamentally in trying to understand each other and acknowledging the ultimate purpose of your marriage-which is, to fulfill the purpose of our existence (as abid and khalifah)'
Marriage as we all know is one of the biggest ibadah. It is an essential framework for you to work together, with your partner, in terms of achieving this goals. And this include, our daily basis worships, character building as a muslim and our self development.
What is the difference between the conceptual marriage and Islamic ones?
'While the mainstream, socially understood concept of marriage is about finding your other half, islamic marriage is all about completing half of your deen.'
To be able to achieve sakinah, mawaddah warahmah in a family institution, it is ideally important to acknowledge that men and women are simple DIFFERENT. We are not the same- in terms of our nature, physical, psychological and capability. Trying to change a woman for what she is won't work and vice versa. Celebrating the difference is one of the key foundation.
and you simply don't stop just there. Men are associated with rationality as women are for emotions. Put some effort in trying to catch up with each other as well. For example, a husband should learn to acquire emotional intelligence in marriage. So that he'll be able to make every decision based on a wider perspective and consideration, rather than just practicality of it.
They compliment each other. Aspiring one another. Letting the other half grow even more.
He mentioned about how marriage is actually the closest relationship you can ever have between two people, unlike parent-children or bftj (best friend till jannah) relationship. It is of different affection, closeness and responsibility. You really know what each other really are- and this is very important to take note.
The fact that you have that level of intimacy, has made trust and respect as a golden element in a healthy relationship. There would be a LOT of things that none others but only you know about your spouse. Hence, losing one or both of these qualities will no longer make you garments for one another.
'the boomerang effect'
You are the mirror of one another. If you behave in certain way, those qualities reflect back at you. This is an 'action reaction' mechanism. I was fascinated by a simple analogy given called 'marriage bank account'. you've got debit and credit column. If you do something that add value to you marriage/ to your partner, that's going into your account. When you demand or take something out from your spouse, that is using up your savings. and this two must be balanced. Taking out too much while giving so little will result in overdraft.
and each actions cost differently. For example, fidelity might empty your account that no amount of chocolate/ roses can make up the loss.
Always make sure you do things that levels them up every single time.
' why take when you don't give. Happiness in marriage is often achieved when you expect yourself to give rather than receiving'
When does preparation and training actually start?
It started from childhood, primarily from observing your parents. how they behave to one another. how you are brought up. the 'biah solehah' or the islamic environment of your house. things like that. You don't have to be in the most perfect family to benefit from this, because lessons come from both positive and negative behaviours . If you see something bad in the way you are brought up with, change it. The same goes when you see something good, try to follow their example. Make it your benchmark.
When is the appropriate age to start marriage?
This part receives much attention from the speaker, stressing on and on about the idea of not delaying nikah. He had been dealing with taaruf of sisters and brothers from all over UK, and one of the problem that arises (for the sisters particularly) is the fact that they only initiate taaruf or the process of finding a spouse when they are in their late 20s or early 30s., sometimes more. And yet they still put high emphasize on many high criteria such as wanting a guy of around the same age-not married, single and without children as an example.This problem lies in career driven individuals or academic achiever that they put nikah as their last priority.
Much to the complaints of the brothers on the other hand is that they do not have the financial stability just yet to be able to build a family (one of most wanted criteria for sister in seeking partner) , the speaker goes like this; (while addressing the sisters)
'Should you marry a guy who does not have a financial stability just yet?'
'Yes, absolutely! Provided that he has aspiration, career plans and a clear goal to achieve in his life'
So conclusion, as early as possible. (not subject to personal view)
***
2. THE SUNNAH OF MARRIAGE
Rasulullah pbuh has divided his time to three.
1/3 for himself
1/3 for the general society
1/3 for family/married life
The western had been promoting the life-work balance concept but largely (if not all) failed to exercise it in their life. Instead life is much of a manifestation of materialism, sacrificing family for career and so on.
Rasulullah pbuh is ideally the best example of a husband.
He has children but is also a guardian of other children as well. He treated them a if they are his. (from marrying a married woman).
He never failed to come back home every single day with a smiling face.
One of the act in marriage is to brighten each other's day. And our prophet, despite being a busy man, always help his wife with house chores.
The speaker added, 'never make your son a mummy's boy- in the sense that they expect everything from their mum.(later from his wife). Make him a strong boy who values what people do for him and tries to help along.'
He reminded the audience,
' a wife is not obligated to cook or clean for her husband. Everything she does is actually sadaqa/charity'
Key foundation to marriage according to sunnah
- the foundation of the marriage/ family built must be based on knowledge, ultimately from Al Quran and Sunnah.
-Ar Rahim or mercy. Have compassion and mercy to the bearer of your children, your life long companion, mother of your children and the one who take care of your affairs at home.
-Love. Let love grows by watching out your words, actions and showing your affections.
-Justice. Rasulullah pbuh is never dzalim. recognize each other's right.
when you have injustice, you cannot have mercy.
-Syura. Communication is vital. Exercise active listening.
Listening is not simply making sure your partner made her/his point across.
-Looking good for one another.
***
So that is two of the main topic discussed. i'll find some other time to write the rest insyaAllah.
May it brings benefit to us all, if not now- in the future.
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